Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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