If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
Randomize
