I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
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