Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
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