dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
