Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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