so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize
