Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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