dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
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