According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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