It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
PANTIES FOUND
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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