The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
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