Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
