whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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