sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Randomize
