Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
dude. I can hear the air.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
Randomize
