Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
