I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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