Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
No I am not eating basil off your cock
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
