I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
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