I will die if light touches me.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
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