i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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