bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Randomize
