New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Randomize
