you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
