I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
