I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
