You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
I want to fling myself into the sun
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
