the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Randomize
