If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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