She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
Randomize
