remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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