my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
Randomize
