I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Randomize
