youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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