Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Randomize
