Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
