I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Randomize
