Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
