I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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