You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
