So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
