so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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