Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Randomize
