no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
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