allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
My liver just broke up with me...
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Randomize
