I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
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