party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Randomize
