I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
COCAINE IS GR8
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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