you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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