she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
I've blown a few things in my day
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
3pm strippers are depressing
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Randomize
