the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
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