So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
