So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
