Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
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