I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
