im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
